I’ll spare you the gory details, but in 2000, as a 24-year old third year assistant high school coach, all the players on our varsity team were going to be let out of school early for a special team-building activity on a gameday. The only problem was that there were 25 or 30 JV players who were going to be left behind and a coach was needed to stay back with those kids. I was a natural choice to remain on campus but at the time I couldn’t bear the thought of being the only one to miss all the fun, so another coach ended up being the one to stay. That episode earned me the nickname “Selfish”. The nickname was created mostly in a tongue in cheek way (I think), and I didn’t think too much of it at the time. Certainly I wasn’t all that selfish. Or so I thought. In hindsight, it was actually pretty accurate. I am selfish. And lately for some reason I’ve become increasingly aware of just how selfish I can be.
Unlike that episode of 11 years ago, it’s not any one thing lately that’s brought me to this point of heightened awareness. More likely it’s simply part of a maturation process, as I’ve realized more and more how many of my attitudes, thoughts and actions are created with nothing more than my own interests in mind. I am selfish. My former coaching colleague was right.
I’m selfish to the point that in an effort to combat this selfishness, I’ve begun asking myself this question repeatedly throughout each day: “Is my life about me, or is it about something greater?” Now, I don’t know very many people who would readily admit they live for nothing other than themselves. It takes a unique type of arrogance to make that claim. But in some strange way, those who embrace their selfishness have much more integrity than I do. I try to hide my selfishness in all kinds of ways. When I do something for others, am I looking to receive credit? When I receive a compliment, does it encourage me appropriately or does pride swell in my heart? When faced with any decision, is my default to lean toward whatever provides me with comfort, security or pleasure? It’s a tricky balance sometimes, because we have to look out for ourselves in the right ways in order to be what we’re supposed to be for others. But even that idea proves my point. Am I taking good care of myself so that I can be useful and effective in my calling, or am I simply looking out for me?
Coaches are always looking for unselfish players or “team guys”. If I really believe that I can’t lead someone to a place if I don’t know the way, then I must intentionally seek to remove selfishness from my heart. I can’t preach and teach unselfishness to my players or my family with any level of integrity if I’m not taking definite steps to address it in my own life. The bad news is that my heart will always bend in that direction so this effort requires constant attention. The good news is that God is full of grace and mercy and is patiently working on me to make me more like His Son.